Peter Keating: The Tumor

I have an MRI scheduled for Thursday evening after work at the earliest possible time I could guarantee Brian could make it. I didn’t want to wait too long to have the test done but I need to know that my husband is there. I am terrified of needles and someone will have to hold me still while they inject the contrast for the scan into my vein.

I have always been a big baby about needles. The first time I remember receiving a needle was a traumatic and shocking moment and the experience has not improved from there. It does not help matters that I was sick and hallucinating at the time and I thought the old women in the hospital with blue hair were trying to eat me (in hindsight, I realize them telling me that I was “sweet enough to eat” was a lie intended to calm me down and not a promise of events to come). As an adult, I no longer blame those women but I do think that experience explains why I will never be a blood donor despite a belief in my family that blood donation is a patriotic and Christian duty. I suspect the Red Cross would rather not get my blood considering the ordeal I would likely put them through.

Brian will have to be there in order for anyone to survive.

The MRI is looking for a tumor my doctor suspects is currently growing on my pituitary gland and secreting hormones that should not be secreted. I am actually starting to hope that the tumor does exist. I’d rather know what is wrong than anything else. And I’d rather start treatment right away. In this case, ignorance is definitely not bliss.

I decided that naming the potential tumor that is lurking inside my skull would be a very good idea. I wrestled with the idea of naming it for several days as I don’t plan on keeping it inside of my head forever and perhaps I should not provide a tumor with its own identity but I ultimately decided that while the tumor is in me, it is not part of me and therefore should not share my identity with me.

I named the tumor “Peter Keating”.

My husband, who is not well read and who is not an objectivist, was very confused by this. I think he was also confused at the naming of a potential tumor but I’m fairly certain the tumor is there.

Perhaps I’m just putting the cart before the horse by treating a potential tumor as if it were here but at the same time, naming the tumor seems to make it better. As if by naming the tumor, I control the tumor. I control how long the tumor is here and I control what effects the tumor has on my life. It is almost as if I am Adam and God has given me the task of naming all creatures I am to have dominance over. I plan on dominating the tumor.

The fact is, without some sense of control, the possibilities of this tumor are terrifying. And while I know at some point I will have to be able to surrender the idea that I can have control or I will be humbled by something unexpected, but at the moment, I feel like a sense of control is a good thing. It gives me something to cling to.

Today in Nebraska

I can't say I've ever paid all that much attention to events transpiring in Nebraska but this one really caught my eye.

The defendant in a state senator's lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He's everywhere.

State Sen. Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous, Chambers says he's trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.

Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused "fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes."

He's seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.

Wow. I understand from other news reports I follow that this gentleman is either an atheist or an agnostic but still. Wow. God as a terrorist? I thought Jesus came to Earth to spread a message of peace, love and faith but maybe he secretly was a terrorist!

I understand that this Senator believes that he is making a point about lawsuit but I think it means so much more than this. He is, to a certain extent, making a very good argument for people to blame God. He is reducing faith to blind fear.

Can Chambers really sue something he doesn't believe exists though? Strangely enough, I would have a much easier time swallowing this lawsuit if this came from a person who was a Jew or a Christian. Because the first step in this is to believe that God exists. The second step is to believe a literal translation of the Bible. And finally, you have to believe, on some level, that the quality of your life was dramatically decreased because of these "threats"!

Ironically, the lawsuit Chambers says that his lawsuit is in response to, the lawsuit that was so frivolous, involved the use of language in a trial involving sexual assault. The victim is suing a judge because he won't allow the words "victim" or "rape" to be used in the trial, in turn, making it very difficult to deal with a horrifying crime.