Why God Does Not Appear On My New Year’s Resolutions

I have noticed on several Christian blogs a theme of adding Christ to one’s New Year’s resolutions. I’m going to pray more. I’m going to tithe. I’m going to read the entire Bible. I’m going to be more active in my Bible Study. I’m going to devote more time to Church. I’m going to attend Church every Sunday. I’m going to be a better Christian.

I am going to hurl.

The problem with these resolutions is two-fold. The first problem is that it says very little or very negative things about your current relationship with God. The second problem is a big more concerning: what will happen to your faith if you do not accomplish your goal? There are probably many other problems that can be mentioned but these are two very important problems to start this examination.

Let me expand by adopting the premise that I am going to read the entire Bible and pray more in 2008. Neither are my goals for the year but I believe it will serve as a good example.

What do these goals tell me about my current relationship with God? First, it tells me that my relationship with Christ has not been a priority in the past. Or rather, using the two measuring sticks of faith called “frequent prayer” and “Bible reading” my faith has been inadequate and it needs to be improved. However, changing these habits to make one’s faith agreeable to these measuring sticks does not automatically improve one’s relationship with God. For example, I can read every page of the Bible. I can memorize every word that escaped Jesus’ mouth. I can read the Bible in its original language. I can become a Biblical Scholar.

None of that means that I have become a better Christian. None of it makes me a better wife to my husband. None of it makes me a better representation of the Christian Faith. I am not “Christ-like” because I have read every page of the Bible.

But it creates a false image. Its creates the idea that by completing certain goals and tasks, one can become a better Christian and in turn a better person and in turn have a better seat in the kingdom of God. While that feeds into the middle class dream of suburbia quite nicely, it does very little for a life of true Christian faith. It only fuels a false image to those in our community of how “godly” we are, feeding our egos and pulling us father from God and Christ.

But the second problem is much larger and has a devastating long term impact. What happens when we fail? What will happen to our faith when we do not reach our goal? Or worse, what will happen to our faith when we reach our goal? As Max Bemis of Say Anything points out “Like Judas the Traitor, we are both favored and deeply flawed”.

We fail. We are humans and we have fallen from grace. We are imperfect people in an imperfect world and we ache for the closeness we once shared with God. We ache to walk with God and to feel complete. We are tempted and we sin and we make mistakes. We search for forgiveness and we grant our own forgiveness sparingly. Setting a goal for faith does leave us in a good position for failure.

What happens when I vow to pray every single day in 2008? Do I have to beg myself and God for forgiveness when I miss a prayer? Or are my prayers filled with the simple requests of children but with none of the heart behind them? And what happens during times of doubt when prayer does not come easily? What happens when prayers are not answered the way I want and in the time I demand?

The rift between me and my maker grows deeper at my own doing? I will have set myself up for failure.

More alarmingly, what happens if I succeed? God will not descend upon me, although if I am truly heartfelt in my 366 daily prayers, I will most likely find peace and grace. But I will not find world peace. I will not discover that there is no more political divide (sadly, I will not find that liberal ideals are no longer forced at me in social situations). I will not find that I suddenly know the meaning of life. And if these were things that I expected as a result of my resolution, what will happen to my relationship with Jesus? Will I still know in my heart of hearts that he is, in fact, my savior? Or will it add to the jaded, cynical edge that taints the rest of my life?

The theme between these problems is simple: by making God part of our To Do List, we attempt to stop God from working in His own mysterious ways. We try to make God another aspect of our day planners. And God cannot be compartmentalized in that way. He won’t be. He refuses to be. And he refuses to fit into our areas of convenience by shaking us up.

These goals take away the true meaning of Christ. As Christ’s followers, we need to be able to go out into the world and do the work of God. And we need to be willing to surrender to the inconvenience of it. We need to be open to those moments not falling within the boundaries of our carefully planned lives.

God is not on my resolution list this year. He’ll do what ever he wants regardless of my vows.

My 5 Goals for 2008

The day after Christmas, I wrote goals for 2008 in the front of my pink FranklinCovey planner. Usually, I go a bit overboard with my resolutions. One year, I had upward of twenty five. Most years, however, I stay between ten and fifteen goals. No wonder I fail.

I set five different goals for myself this year, which was a quite a cut back for me. There are, as follows:

1. I will take better, proactive care of my health.


2. I will be kinder to my body.


3. I will read.


4. I will prioritize.


5. I will write.

While none of these are particularly earth shattering, lofty goals, I think I have a better shot of achieving them this year. While Penelope Trunk urges us to only make one goal this year (see link) I know I'm not a one goal kinda girl. I could never cut back that much. I know I'd be tacking on extra resolutions by the end of next week. I don't even think I could resolve to make no more resolutions.

This year, I'm focused on the life I really want. I want to be healthy. This may be the possible tumor talking but I think I need to account for Peter Keating and the space he occupies. I want to go to the gym. I want to eat food that is better for me. I want to sleep at night. But I also want balance. I don't want to be a health nut. I want to be able to prioritize my marriage, not my job or the other fluff. And I miss writing and reading. And by prioritizing things other than the TV, I believe that it is possible.

What are your goals for this year? And how do you plan on reaching those goals?

Peter Keating: The Tumor

I have an MRI scheduled for Thursday evening after work at the earliest possible time I could guarantee Brian could make it. I didn’t want to wait too long to have the test done but I need to know that my husband is there. I am terrified of needles and someone will have to hold me still while they inject the contrast for the scan into my vein.

I have always been a big baby about needles. The first time I remember receiving a needle was a traumatic and shocking moment and the experience has not improved from there. It does not help matters that I was sick and hallucinating at the time and I thought the old women in the hospital with blue hair were trying to eat me (in hindsight, I realize them telling me that I was “sweet enough to eat” was a lie intended to calm me down and not a promise of events to come). As an adult, I no longer blame those women but I do think that experience explains why I will never be a blood donor despite a belief in my family that blood donation is a patriotic and Christian duty. I suspect the Red Cross would rather not get my blood considering the ordeal I would likely put them through.

Brian will have to be there in order for anyone to survive.

The MRI is looking for a tumor my doctor suspects is currently growing on my pituitary gland and secreting hormones that should not be secreted. I am actually starting to hope that the tumor does exist. I’d rather know what is wrong than anything else. And I’d rather start treatment right away. In this case, ignorance is definitely not bliss.

I decided that naming the potential tumor that is lurking inside my skull would be a very good idea. I wrestled with the idea of naming it for several days as I don’t plan on keeping it inside of my head forever and perhaps I should not provide a tumor with its own identity but I ultimately decided that while the tumor is in me, it is not part of me and therefore should not share my identity with me.

I named the tumor “Peter Keating”.

My husband, who is not well read and who is not an objectivist, was very confused by this. I think he was also confused at the naming of a potential tumor but I’m fairly certain the tumor is there.

Perhaps I’m just putting the cart before the horse by treating a potential tumor as if it were here but at the same time, naming the tumor seems to make it better. As if by naming the tumor, I control the tumor. I control how long the tumor is here and I control what effects the tumor has on my life. It is almost as if I am Adam and God has given me the task of naming all creatures I am to have dominance over. I plan on dominating the tumor.

The fact is, without some sense of control, the possibilities of this tumor are terrifying. And while I know at some point I will have to be able to surrender the idea that I can have control or I will be humbled by something unexpected, but at the moment, I feel like a sense of control is a good thing. It gives me something to cling to.

My Not So Secret Affair with the Written Word

Brian has yet to learn that I should never be taken into an establishment that sells books so I frequently find myself in positions where I am trying to convince myself to only buy five books instead of five hundred while Brian looks confused that he can’t just walk in, buy what he needs and leave. Which is what happened Sunday afternoon as we were trying to finish up our Christmas shopping. Brian had finally thought of the perfect gift for his father’s girlfriend which helped us to finish our holiday shopping in a bookstore. As he hunted through Borders as a man on a mission, I browsed the beautiful aisles filled with books I have yet to read. Each unread book was a friend I had yet to meet.

I read the way some people eat or play video games. I live for a good book. I can ignore my husband for hours on end if the content is compelling and it is not unusual to find me hiding in a strange location with a book. I rarely bring books to my job because I don’t trust myself to not sneak off and hide in the building with my latest page turner in tow.

I purchased four books on Sunday afternoon. Brian had reached the “enough” point with my roaming and since we had taken separate cars, he moved on to the next errand. I still needed to ponder what “excessive” really meant in a bookstore. All of my purchases were impulse buys but that was to be expected. I was able to rationalize by telling myself that since the writers are all striking in Hollywood, there really isn’t anything good on TV except Law and Order: SVU reruns and I’m not sure Brian will be tolerating that for much longer.

Which brings me to my big question: if I didn’t really watch TV anymore, would my book purchases still be excessive? What if Brian and I read at night instead of tuning into a million different TV shows? Would our lives improve for the better? Or would we find that Saturday mornings were used to catch up on TV? What if Brian read instead of internet surfed?

I’m not sure if I’m quite at a point where I’m interested in unplugging my TV but I think I need to cut it back at this point. Brian and I regularly watch over 3 hours of television a day. Considering I watched less than one half hour of television a day at the time Brian and I were engaged, it raises flags about the change in my behavior. I think maybe the most I can commit to is trying to cut back to an hour of TV a day. It is, at least, a start.

Just Making Plans

From time to time, I find myself increasingly depressed about the loss of the drive and ambition that once filled out the idea of how I would be as an adult. I have great plans for myself and I saw no boundaries to the possibilities in my future. I thought by the time I was twenty-five, I would single, fabulous and rolling in money. I would be powerful. I would have a fabulous career and still have time for my friends. I would have amazing clothes and my own place to live. I would not have a roommate and I would have enough money to purchase my own car. I would be a published writer and look devastating in a photograph. I would be amazing.

Instead at twenty-five, I find myself married, exhausted and rolling in bills. I tried to buy into the Suze Orman “Young Fabulous and Broke” mentality but at this point, all I feel like is broke. The truth of the matter is I am not all that powerful. In fact, I find that I have a much better understanding of just how weak I can be. I have a great job but I don’t yet have a career. I don’t have time for my friends. I don’t have time for myself. I haven’t bought new clothes in about two years and that isn’t for a lack of a desire to have new clothes. I live with my father-in-law. I will probably have a roommate for the rest of my life, but fortunately my roommate is also my bed mate. I am still driving my grandfather’s old Buick and I barely have enough money for preventative maintenance on that. I have been too afraid to send my words to a publisher for review. And lately, I look more like a hot mess in photographs instead of devastating. Some mornings, I wake up and find myself amazed at how different my life is from the life I imagined.

I’m not sure I would change any of it though. As tempting as the imaginary life I planned for myself at eighteen sounds, it sounds incredibly empty to me now. I would not have my husband in that life – in his place, I would most likely find superficial sexual partners. I would probably be a slave to my work and I would probably be chasing the great almighty dollar. My plan from when I was eighteen does not have any form of charity involved. It also doesn’t have anything that resembles a relationship with God – something I would not trade for anything in the world. I would not have anyone to come home to and to cook for – I would have myself. It would be a lonely existence.

I still miss the ambition that I now lack but I feel no urge to try to recreate it. I desire nice things – I want to own my home, my own car. I want to have beautiful clothes and exquisite jewelry. But I want to be comfortable more. I want to take the time to appreciate the youth that is on my husband’s face and I want to memorize how tight his skin feels against the muscles of his arm. I want to enjoy the time I have married as this life will be far shorter than I anticipate it seeming. I do not want my youth to be wasted while I am young. I want to savor this time as it will all too quickly pass. Too quickly we will find ourselves with children and too quickly we will find that those children will have made children of their own. Too quickly we will find that our youth has left and our ambition brought us no farther than our laziness.

I would rather have the reality of my current situation than the false life I once dreamt of.

And it is sweet.

The Hard Part of Marriage

The most difficult aspect of marriage is realized around the same time that you realize you want to shed some aspect of your life. You can’t. You are now unable to shed the skin you are in when it becomes itchy and uncomfortable. You can no longer escape your bad decisions when they no longer suite you. Your bad decisions now belong to someone else and in turn, their bad decisions now belong to you as well.

In my pre-marriage life, I used to take solace in the fact that I did not choose my family. The egg and sperm that I grew from did not choose each other, they just happened to both be lurking in the same uterus at the time of my conception. I did not pick my parents but they were still my family. And by not picking my family, it became so much easier to distance myself from them or discount them as people. I may be sharing genetic material with them but they chose me.

As a married woman, my family now is my husband. And I did choose him. I decided to marry Brian just as Brian decided to marry me. I decided to love him and build a life with him. I decided he would be my family. And for that reason, I am not able to discount him or distance myself from him for the simple reason that it was all my choice. I am married to both Brian and his decisions.

Sometimes this scares the crap out of me.

When we first completed our walk down the aisle, I suspected that the most difficult aspect to relate to the fact that I would be having the same sex every night with the same man for the rest of my life. And as the play-ette I was in my single days, this was a bit concerning. There would be no more bad day sex with an ex-boyfriend. No more mid-week booty calls. I would be having sex with Brian until we were either too old to have sex or until one of us died. Surprisingly though, thus far, it hasn’t been that bad. In fact, I find that I like it and the lack of a chase for sex means I have more time at night to moisturize, therefore maintaining my youthful appearance for as long as possible.

But along with the consistent sex comes the consistent marriage. When Brian does something dumb, I can’t just walk away. I can’t through the towel in because I’m pissed off that Brian didn’t get my car fixed in a timely manner. When he comes out with a statement involving a bad idea being “really great”, I will still have to deal with the aftermath of that idea in the morning. And when I do dumb things, which I do constantly, I can’t just walk away from it. Suddenly, I have discovered that I must deal with the consequences of my actions.

My life choices for the first time have truly become life choices.

Life as a single person is transitional. Your friends, your job, your hobbies – these all can be replaced and no one needs remember but yourself. After marriage, someone will remember all of these things and more. My life story has now become so entwined with Brian that now he is my life story and I am his.

It seems the binding of marriage has hit me in ways I did not know how to prepare for.

Tales from the Honeymoon: Half Moon Cay

Brian and I returned from our Honeymoon two weeks ago and it has been rather odd getting back into the swing of life. I burned our dinner on Sunday night and laundry has been a challenge. It was a much needed break for us and I’m glad we waited to go on our trip.

The cruise was amazing. We saw so much and we met lots of interesting people. The weather was beautiful and there was always something to do. We actually had to be deliberate about finding time to not do things and to just sit and be. It was great.

When we arrived at the port in Miami, I was amazed by the ship. I knew it was going to be huge but I didn't quite know what to expect. I felt so small walking onto the ship and I thought I was going to spend the entire trip lost and confused. We sailed on the Carnival Triumph which I was told wasn't even one of the biggest or newest ships in the fleet. The ship had a "World" theme to it so there were the Paris and London Dining rooms, the Rome Lounge, the Hollywood Disco, The Oxford Bar, the Venetian Room, and the Tokyo Underground amoung other places. Each of these rooms or locations were inspired by the cities they were named for, some more effectively than others. The ship also had gift shops, an art gallery, more bars than I knew what to do with, mini golf, an internet cafe, a spa, a gym, a theater, a library, and housed 1400 crew and 3000 passengers. Wow.

We visited four ports during our trip. Our first stop was Half Moon Cay in the Bahamas. Originally it was a pirate island but now it is privately owned. Only 45 acres of the 2000+ acres are developed so it looks like a rainforest magically appearing in the ocean when you approach it. The sand is so soft and the water is breath-taking clear. The downside to the island is that everything was run by Carnival so it wasn’t quite as intimate as the other islands; everything left a corporate taste in your mouth.

We went snorkeling at Half Moon Cay. I wasn’t sure if I would enjoy it as I am not a very strong swimmer but I found I was able to hold my own. In the water, there were mostly white fish with a blue-black stripe. Looking down at the water, they were easy to spot and see the outlines but from under the surface, it was difficult to see more than a dark line pass before your face. Brian discovered that the fish loved hotdogs as they all swarmed around him, fighting for a piece of the hot dog he was dropping into the ocean. I wasn’t a big fan of feeling the fish flick around my legs but it was an interesting experience to have.

I was also amazed at my ability to swim in the ocean. For a long time, I thought it was physically impossible for me to enter a body of water and manage to keep my head above the water but it wasn’t a struggle. Brian was able to explain to me how to make it easier because he could finally see what I was doing in the water to keep afloat without me thrashing around like a mad woman for air.

Another special thing from the trip was Brian with his shirt off on the beach. His skin is so fair and he burns so easily that he usually avoids spending time outside with his shirt off. But we kept him well slathered with sunscreen and he actually did better in the sun than I did. There are a few pictures of us together in our beach attire that I think I will always cherish.

By the end of the day, we were exhausted. My legs ached from walking and swimming but it felt so good. Our three o’clock nap was amazing and we had a dinner that tasted like heaven.

I’ll be posting pictures in here eventually but we still need to get them off of the camera.

What does that ring really mean?

On Monday through Friday, my husband wakes up and takes off his wedding band. It is as much apart of our routine as making dinner or visiting my grandparents. A new work day means that for the next eight to nine hours my husband takes off the visible symbol that he is mine and I am his.

For the vast majority of my husband’s time outside of the house, in a strange way, I do not exist. Women do not notice his wedding band because he does not wear it. And in an outsider’s perception, I only exist once I am mentioned.

Of course when he returns from work, his wedding band goes right back on his finger. Or at least right after he takes a shower. I do not doubt my husband’s dedication to our promise when the ring is on or off of his finger.

I find myself asking the question though – if a wedding band was not on my finger, would a stranger realize that I am married? If I did not wear my ring at work, would I feel less married? Does the ring make the marriage?

If the ring does not make the marriage, then my husband spent quite a bit of money on an engagement ring and wedding band that he did not need to.

In a strange way, a ring is almost like a human shield – the ring should be saying “your advances are not wanted”. But why do we need a little piece of metal to say that to others? Why are we not capable of saying it ourselves? Or maybe the ring is saying it to us, as in “their advances are not wanted”.

A Tempting Offer by Democratic Hopefuls

Much like events transpiring in Nebraska, I have a tendency to ignore events in the Democratic Party because more the half the time, I find myself more than slightly agitated as a result. With an upcoming election year, I cannot ignore or neglect these news reports, as tempting as it would be, but I find myself intrigued by some of the ideas I am hearing.

Hillary has released her plan for universal health care. Despite my Republican, or rather Libertarian tendencies, universal health care is tempting. My husband has to pay close to $200 per month for mediocre coverage that often leaves us hanging. I luck out that the company I work for has amazing health coverage for all employees but spouses are not covered. Hillary seems to think mandating coverage is the way to go and we’ll be able to pay for our coverage through income tax credits. Hillary, in my opinion, has lost touch with the needs and wants of the American people. We want health coverage, but as our debt prone nation is often found doing, a tax credit is often found spent on more items we cannot afford as we attempt yet again to keep up with every other family on the block. My tax credit for health insurance would most likely be spent of fixing my car, leaving me to worry about my health insurance bill another day.

Hillary’s proposed health care plan is tempting. We will all have health insurance. There will be a tax cut. It is almost enough to lure you into a false sense of security.

Barack Obama has realized his proposed tax cuts as part of his campaign for the democratic ticket. And I must confess – if Obama wins the democratic ticket, he will have my vote. And I have never voted for a democrat in my life.

Obama said at the Tax Policy Center that the current tax code is working for the wrong priorities. As someone who really feels the impact of each tax dollar taken out of her pay check, I am apt to agree. After all, more than half of my take home pay goes towards student loans. If the present tax code rewards wealth instead of work, how can those of us who only have work ever hope to get ahead?

He also has great plans to end income tax for senior citizens who make less than fifty thousand a year. Thank Goodness. I look at all the time that is spent trying to sort out my grandparents income tax each year, mind you for an elderly couple who haven’t worked in over twenty years, and I have this hope that finally someone understands that taxing people who receive Social Security isn’t the brightest idea.

What really won me over to Obama’s plan though was the idea of five minute filings.

"There's no reason the IRS can't send Americans pre-filled tax forms to verify," he said. "This means no more worry. No more wasted time. No more extra expenses for a tax preparer."

Wow. Imagine not needing to spend hours at the accountant. Imagine just verifying a document and mailing it back. Imagine the IRS doing something more to justify their agency’s existance.
I’ve been sucked in already but we still have over a year to see how all of this will play out.

Today in Nebraska

I can't say I've ever paid all that much attention to events transpiring in Nebraska but this one really caught my eye.

The defendant in a state senator's lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He's everywhere.

State Sen. Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous, Chambers says he's trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.

Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused "fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes."

He's seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.

Wow. I understand from other news reports I follow that this gentleman is either an atheist or an agnostic but still. Wow. God as a terrorist? I thought Jesus came to Earth to spread a message of peace, love and faith but maybe he secretly was a terrorist!

I understand that this Senator believes that he is making a point about lawsuit but I think it means so much more than this. He is, to a certain extent, making a very good argument for people to blame God. He is reducing faith to blind fear.

Can Chambers really sue something he doesn't believe exists though? Strangely enough, I would have a much easier time swallowing this lawsuit if this came from a person who was a Jew or a Christian. Because the first step in this is to believe that God exists. The second step is to believe a literal translation of the Bible. And finally, you have to believe, on some level, that the quality of your life was dramatically decreased because of these "threats"!

Ironically, the lawsuit Chambers says that his lawsuit is in response to, the lawsuit that was so frivolous, involved the use of language in a trial involving sexual assault. The victim is suing a judge because he won't allow the words "victim" or "rape" to be used in the trial, in turn, making it very difficult to deal with a horrifying crime.

On the downside of marriage

One of the most infuriating things in the world that you discover post-marriage...

I can't just change everything to my new last name.

For example, when I started this, I opened my account under my maiden name email address. Unfortunately, I can't figure out how to transfer my user id to my new email address.

BAH HUMBUG

Anniversaries

Note: While a good part of me is desperate to give a scathing review of Britney Spears and its impact on pop culture and another part of me feels obligate to write something about September 11 and what it means to remember, I have decided that I will not be touching those topics until later in the week. There is still too much hype from Britney and it is so cliché to write about September 11th. I don’t believe that I can address those topics in a meaningful way at this time so I decline to do so until I feel ready. But trust me, I will.

On Saturday afternoon, I found myself shopping in Macy’s for dress clothes for Brian with my father which was not something I had planned to do. I had planned to go to my parents’ house, have my mother iron Brian’s new dress shirt and then head home but my mother’s quick departure to a hair appointment threw a wrench in those plans. I was grateful when my father offered to show me how to iron the dress shirt but one burnt fifty-five dollar French cuff shirt later, I was wondering if I made the correct decision.

Both fortunately and unfortunately, Macy’s was having their Labor Day One Day Sale on Saturday which meant prices were great but the lines were massive. We managed to find something similar to the burnt shirt in the very last one in Brian’s size. The line seemed to go on forever and very quickly, I found myself engaged in awkward conversation with my father.

My dad is not really a much of a talker in the best of circumstances. He’s a quiet guy, insightful. He’s the type of man that you have significant conversations with at home or in a nice restaurant on a predetermined date. He is not the type of man who wants to have a great conversation in line at a Macy’s. Whereas I’m the type of girl who does want to have those conversations.

We very quickly burned through the conversation he was willing to make. So I moved on to birthdays, anniversaries, upcoming significant family events. It just so happens that my parents’ sixteenth wedding anniversary is in two weeks so I asked my dad what he and my mom would like for a gift.

I was quickly alerted that this was an inappropriate question for me to ask. My father, apparently, believes that an anniversary is a private, intimate event between two people. An anniversary has nothing to do with anyone other than the two people who were involved.

I was shocked. And mildly insulted.

In a strange way, I realized that the words coming out of my father’s mouth went against everything I was raised to believe. And somehow, I felt like I was being left out in the cold by my family.

As a child raised with just a mother, I knew any marriage she was able to make was also a marriage with me. A potential husband for her was a potential father for me. We were a package deal and there was no way to separate us. My mother’s second husband adopted me following the wedding, making him the only father I have ever known. The marriage that took place in September of 1991 marks not only the beginning of my mother’s life with my father but the beginning of stability for me as well. Their anniversary is far more than just them.

Even more importantly, I was hurt as a Christian. A wedding between a man and a woman is not a rope with two strands but a rope with three strands representing Man, Woman and God. My father seemed to be leaving God out of his marriage. I also believe that a marriage is an event with in a community and therefore, shouldn’t the anniversary of that marriage also be an event within a community? If it does not continue to have that significance, then why do we take the time and effort to engage in premarital counseling through the Church, have the wedding ceremony take place in a Church and then invite a multitude of family and friends to the event? It seems to me that in order for a marriage to be successful, a community needs to stand behind it and in it. The support of other followers of Christ is what separates Christian marriages from our contemporary counterparts.

I’m still not sure what I want to say to my dad on the matter. I did some sleuthing and discovered where they are celebrating the day with a meal. It’s my intent to do something nice to mark the day, regardless of his desire for my involvement. Maybe its stubbornness or maybe it is a desire to be more Christ like in my actions. I have yet to determine which option it is.

A Year Ago Yesterday

A year ago yesterday, my mother-in-law passed away. I didn't know at the time that someday I would refer to her as my mother-in-law but I had a very strong feeling at the time that something wonderful was about to happen between her son and I. I believe that in many ways, Beth's passing was a catalyst, bringing Brian and I together and setting many wheels in motion.

So much has changed since she left this Earth. We are all a year older. We all look different. Most of us have new haircuts. Brian and I were married. Kelly and Jason (Brian's middle sister and his best friend) were married. Beth's grandchildren were homeschooled. I found a new job. Kelly moved out. I moved in. Kelly was promoted at work. Don met new people. I went camping for the first time. There was good and there was bad.

Yesterday was still a Morgan Day of Mourning. It marked the beginning and the end of many things. I remembered Beth by trying to do something nice for other people. I baked desserts for the PBU back to school bbq my church had. I did not attend as I don't think I could have maintained the niceness. I also read the section on mourning in Muddhouse Sabbath. I thought about the ways we mourn as Christians fail the families of the loved ones who passed. I remembered a promise I once made to Beth and took some first steps to maintain it. I held my husband and I told him how loved he is. I made dinner for my family and enjoyed spending time with them.

I'm still sad my babies will never know their Grandmother and that the stories that will be told will be largely inadequate.

Camping Again

After the last trip, I wasn't entirely sure if I would find myself at a campsite again. Well, that might not be entirely true. I knew I would find myself at a campsite again. I just wasn't sure I wanted to become one of those people who identify camping as an interest. I've always been slightly weirded out by the people who love to go camping. Don't get me wrong, it was not a horrible experience, but it certainly wasn't staying in a five star hotel. Which would have been quite nice and greatly appreciated.

I've always identified people who were camping enthusiasts as people who were fine going without a shower for two weeks. In other words, anyone who liked camping was a dirty person. A dirty dirty person. And really, who wants to be friends with someone whose personal hygiene habits were questionable at best.

Unfortunately, I eventually discovered that my husband is a camping enthusiast. And while he does shower daily while camping (therefore, not dirty), he still likes to go camping. And camping is not a five star hotel.

I'm also not sure that one can really call themselves a camping enthusiast until they are okay with calling a hole in the woods a "bathroom" and are okay with sleeping on the ground instead of an air matress.

When I made camping reservations for the weekend, it was very important to me that not only were there showers and actual toilets available for my use but that we were less than one hundred yards away from said facilities. And I bought a new air pump for our air mattress.

Finally!

I've been hooked on Facebook.com since college. I don't think I discovered it until midway through my fourth year in school but I have logged in at least four times a week since then. Usually more but I don't want to make myself sound like too much of an addict.

Within the last year or so, facebook added the ability to customize your page which I am assuming was an attempt to really compete with myspace. I don't know how successful it has been because I think most of us are on both facebook and myspace but what do I know. I am still amazed at the variety of applications that one may add. Harry Potter Spells. Food Fight! Happy Hour. iLike. Flixster. Friend Wheel. Politcal Compass. Free Gifts. Book Club. It's border line insane really.

Recently I added the "Compare People" application. Not because I really wanted to compare people but because I was curious about what it was. I kept getting notifications that I had been compared and I was curious. Who had I been compared to? Was it good stuff or bad stuff? The knowledge that this application was out there was starting to make me paranoid... I had to know!

Upon adding the application, I discovered that I am ranked with in my group of friends as the second sexiest person and the third person you would want to be in handcuffs with. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. I do know that the person who beats me on the sexiness category is an exboyfriend of mine. Having "been there, done that" I think the individuals utilizing the application might be mistaken. I am also not sure who beats me for the handcuffs and it might be better that I not know.

I also discovered that I am horrified by the application. Who the hell am I to compare my friends? Furthermore, who the hell are you to compare me? A friend of mine from work left a comment on my wall "Dorie, I cannot be compared". I think she was right.

I'm not ready to take the appliation down yet. I think there is a lot about myself and the way I view my friends that I need to learn from it yet.

How Quickly Ghosts Return

I received a phone call from an ex boyfriend last night. Not that a call from an ex boyfriend is all that unusual. I've had a lot of ex boyfriends and I am still friends with the majority of them. After all, I dated them for a reason and usually the reason I wanted to date them is reason why I want to maintain a friendship after the fact.

This ex boyfriend and I have a lot of history. I truly believed until a year ago that he and I were going to get married. Now I'm married to Brian. The ex and I have had the oddest relationship since day one. The first time I met him, I fell in love with him. I came home and told my mother that I had met the man I was going to marry. Mind you, I was 16 and he was 14. He is one of the rare people in my life that I know I will love forever regardless of the ways we have hurt each other in the past and the ways we will hurt each other in the future.

His phone call terrified me. He didn't know I was married. And there was something in his voice that scared me as that revelation I was made. I know him the same way I know Brian. Which is also very scary.

Six months ago, I thought I was never going to see him again. Now he calls and says he's been thinking about me. I almost gave up everything for him and now he's thinking of me. Great. Day late and a dollar short my friend.

My marriage is my priority. I hope he understands that nothing can change now.

Saturday Mornings at Work

I'm in at work on a Saturday which is something I have not done since I quit Starbucks. It is a bit strange here. There are only three people in the building. It is quiet. I am able to think. I am able to complete a task without constant interruptions.

In the last five hours I have accomplished more than I usually do in an entire day. It is amazing how much time a ringing phone wastes for me. I know my job is to answer the phone so that other individuals time is not wasted but I still must accomplish other things.

A Saturday morning at the office does not bother me. It reminds me of how much I love my job. I finally feel like I have a career I can be proud of. I really enjoy my co-workers. I enjoy the majority of tasks that can be found on my list of things to do. I like my work space. In fact, I have a wonderful sense of accomplishment that I missed having. This is a good day.

I feel ambitious. I am ready to continue conquering my day. I want to go to the gym after this. Then I need to go home and prepare my Sunday School lesson for tomorrow and bake cookies for the kids. Then I need to make love with my husband. He needs that as well as I.

Our First Wedding Picture!!

I am very very excited. Chris Tress, our photographer/boyfriend of a bridesmaid, did an amazing job with pictures... and I've only seen two of them so far!! He captured the way I think Brian and I look inside, which is amazing.

Isn't my husband amazing? I am blessed

Not preggers

My period was over two weeks late. Which has sucked a lot. Its finally here but now I find myself with feelings of disappointment.

I know I've spent the last two weeks panicking over my period or the lack there of. I may have peed on several sticks trying to determine the status of my uterus. I may have freaked out to Brian, Carm, Kim and Mere. I might have made my neck problems worse due to my overabundance of worrying.

I may have also been wandering through baby departments in stores and thinking of children's names.

But now, I am bleeding. I am not pregnant. There is no baby.

I know I promised Brian we would wait several years before we reproduced. I know I say I want to be out of debt before there was a child. I know I say that I am not ready yet. Still I longed for motherhood.

Pope: Other Christians not true churches

Silly Pope! What were you thinking?

Let's start off by saying I am not Catholic. I am no where remote to Catholic. At this point, I don't even quite know how to describe myself in terms of Christianity. I would describe myself as a follower of Christ but I would not identify myself as a Christian. As a Presbyterian, I believe in predestination (in the comforting thought context) but I no longer worship in a Presbyterian Church. I attend a nondenominational church but I do not describe myself as a "born again". I am not a Jew but I try to incorporate Jewish values and traditions into my beliefs as I believe Christianity has lost the value of these traditions. The closest description of myself would be a "non-Jewish Calvinist follower of Christ" but that title is still lacking.

I am not a Catholic.

I usually laugh at a lot of things that escape the Catholicism Wow Camp. For instance, birth control. While I respect the ideal that couples only have sex to procreate, I believe the Catholic Church is missing a huge learning opportunity for its members. Teach them about safe sex, teach them chastity as a spiritual discipline to build a stronger relationship with Christ. Teenage boys and girls are not going to keep it in their pants. They don't understand why they need to keep it in their pants. Give them the tools so that they can learn.

I'm also confused on the whole only baptised babies get to go to Heaven concept. I can commit a mass genocide but as long as I repent and confess to a priest, I can still go to heaven. That little baby that didn't have holy water sprinkled on its forehead though is shit out of luck.

But I try to ignore that. We are all fallen and broken and therefore the institutions we establish on this Earth are also fallen and broken. We are not perfect, that is why we go to church. Periodically though, the Pope issues something that really makes my blood boil.

He says my church does not have the means for salvation.

And perhaps he is right. My church does not have the means for salvation. But Christ has those means. And I believe that Christ is beside us as we worship in the Little Warehouse Church That Could. If our God is a loving god, why would he turn his backs on his followers who worship differently? Do we turn our salvation down by not having a first holy communion, baptism or confession? Does Jesus love us less because a woman led our worship? Is God pissed off because we used a condom with our spouse because we did not have the means to properly care and protect for a child on loan to us from Him?

What did the Pope hope to accomplish in this document? What did the Pope think he was going to accomplish? And more importantly, what did the Pope actually accomplish? Did he desire to alienate other Christians? Did he desire to show the outside world how broken, divided and un-Christ-like the Christian people are?

Was the Pope attempting to point towards Christ in the issuing of this document?

Babies

Our pastor and his wife announced yesterday in church that they are expecting a baby in February. They are currently in the process of adopting a little boy from Guatemala so they will suddenly jump from 1 child to 3 in just six month.

I'm jealous.

I know Brian and I promised each other that we would wait four years before we started trying. We want to be sure that we are ready for babies but we also want to be sure that we have time to be a couple. A baby would change everything in ways that we are not prepared for. A baby is more than we can handle.

Still. I am jealous. I want to experience the world through the eyes of a child. I want to watch in amazement as a little person grows and changes in front of me. I want to fuss over bonnets and little shoes. I want to laugh with a little face.

I know I am not ready.

I know that my priority at the moment is to be a good wife to Brian and to be a good person to myself. I know it is not realistic, practical or ideal. I know at the moment I have a strong preference to be Crazy Aunt Dorie instead of "MOM".

Married and Money

One of the scariest aspects about starting a new life with someone is the financial intimacy that must ensue. We are raised with an idea: someday you will grow up, meet someone you love, get married and your own personal happily ever after will begin. We never raise our children with the idea that marriage is hard, that money might not be plentiful or that we might need to be completely honest.

The money portion is where most of the difficulty lies.

Once you become married, that's it. Any debt you acrue, at least in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, belongs to both of you. Any money you make, well, that also belongs to both of you. Unfortunately, spending money is easier than making money. And any debt you had prior to the marriage belongs soley to the individual who acquired it.

At the moment, I feel like I am up to my eyeballs in debt. I have student loans, credit card payments, USAA auto insurance, cell phone, plus lord knows what else. It overwhelms me. It stresses me out. It makes me feel as if it is very difficult to be a good wife.

In my head, I have this feel of, if only I made more money. But I know that wouldn't really help. I would probably spend all of it. I would probably find new things that I "needed". Or things that I wanted Brian to have.

So I pray. I pray and I try to be more honest. The first step I think is prayer but a close second is being honest with myself. If I'm not honest with myself on this, how can I be honest with Brian? And with our marriage? I am trying to be open about this, about my struggles, and about what my marriage will look like.

Stolen from my Sister in Law

70 Questions I Guarantee You've Never Answered:

1. Would you chew gum after someone else already has? No, it doesn't sound appealing.
2. What describes your relationship status? Happily married for just over a week.
3. Who were your last 5 calls from? Carm, my mom, Brian, a number I don't recognize, and Farrah
4. Are You the Heartbreaker or the Broken Heart? Heartbreaker. I'm definitely a heartbreaker
5. Ever been skinny dipping? yes
6. Do you think Napoleon Dynamite is funny? I wanted my two hours back.
7. Who have you talked to most today? Brian.
8. Would you hug the last person you hugged again? yes. And I will hug him for the rest of my life
9. Color of your underwear? White.
10. Color of your shirt?Pale baby pink
11. How many years have you taken a language? 7 years of Spanish
12. Who's on speed dial Number 2? I couldn't figure out how to work my speed dial so no one. 13. What color is your background on your computer mainscreen?It is a picture from the wedding so there are lots of colors.
14. Did you wish on 11:11? No but perhaps I should
15. Good advice if you ever go camping? I have actually never gone camping but I'm supposed to go on my very first camping trip at the end of July. FYI, I'm terrified.
16. Are you a bad influence? YES.
17. What color are your eyes? Hazel.
18. Would you rather have your name or your siblings name? I don't have siblings so I better keep my name.
19. Would you do anything for someone else? Probably not.
20. Have you ever been called a bitch? Oh honey, that's a term of endearment!
21. Favorite color? This week, it is apple red
22. Do you use smiley faces on the computer? sometimes.
23. What song is on? no music at the moment.
24. Are your grades good? Depended on the class.
25. Do you ever think people hate you for filling these out? I don't care cause I only ppost these in my blog
26. Would you date anyone on your top friends? I married Brian, didn't I?
27. Does your best friend have a myspace? Yes
28. Whose page did you visit last?I think it was Meredith's
29. Last time you went out to lunch? I had brunch with Meredith on Saturday
30. Do you watch Gilmore Girls? I used to in college.
31. Who is your favorite character from Friends? Rachel
32. Have you ever seen and enjoyed the oc? Seen it, only enjoyed it for a month.
33. Do you have one or more Britney Spears CDs? Yes, now let's never mention that again.
34. Which radio stations are your favorites? 98.9 merely for the Wendy Williams Experience.
35. Are you a Lost fanatic? God no, that's a horrible waste of time.
37. Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library? Yes
38. Alanis Morissette? yes
39. Do you watch Family Guy Regularly? YES
40. King of the Hill? No
41. Do you read trashy romance novels often? Not in years
42. Favorite TV show of all time? Law and Order SVU or charmed or Grey's.
43. Do you sing obnoxiously in the car? YES I also sing better in Brian's van than I do in my Buick. And I don't think I sing very well in the camaro
44. Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower? No.
45. What's in your CD player right now? Brand New Heavies "Get Used To It"
46. Have you ever pretended your crush was with you? no
47. Did you draw pictures for your crush back in elementary? no, I wrote poems
48. Have you ever liked a girl/boy but didn't ask her/him out?yes
49. Have you ever written a poem or story about your life? Not just one poem but a series of poems
50. Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing? How about nothing useful? I've definitely spent over an over doing that.
51. Have you ever liked someone solely because of their appearence? yes
52. Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis? Not sure
53. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization? At work i am
54. Did you ever go to South America? No
55. Do you know how to knit? No
56. Do you have a cell phone or iPod with a patterned cover? No
57. Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself? Yes
58. Do you keep a diary or journal online? Yes
59. When you open your closet, what is the dominant color? Gray.
60. Baskin Robbins or Coldstone? Coldstone. If I'm going ot have a treat, I really want a good treat.
61. Physics or chemistry? physics. It makes so much more sense to me than chemistry
62. Earphones or headphones? Headphones.
63. Pink or teal? Pink
64. Earrings or a ring? Both
65. Walk or Run? Walk
66. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars? Harry Potter but only for reading
67. Fly or road trip? Fly
68. Batman, Spiderman, or Superman?I am Batman, FYI
69. What is your favorite Disney movie? The Little Mermaid.
70. Have you ever bought clothes at Sears? Oh God No.

Wedding Plans, aka 26 days

In case you were curious, planning a wedding is the most stressful thing a person can do in this life. Buying a home, graduating from college, finding a job... these events are all a walk in the park compared to the nightmare that is a wedding. There is nothing peaceful or blissful about this day to the people who plan it. It is all just the illusion of happiness. It is seeing the visible relief on the planners' faces that they will not have to do it ever again.

In the next 26 days, I need to ensure:

1. that my dress gets altered. Really all it needs is a bustle but the thought of going and getting it done is overwhelming. Especially when one realizes that the bra that sucks in the fat I never knew I had needs to go back on. That thing hurts.

2. Flowers get ordered. We picked them out but we never ordered them. I need to make sure that the check for damn near a thousand dollars gets to them.

3. that someone, I don't care who, but that someone throws me a bachelorette party. I want strippers, booze, and penis attire for me to wear. I want to act like a complete jackass. I need to blow off some steam and I need the bar tab to be at someone else's expense.

4. That groomsmen pick up their tuxes in a timely matter.

5. That a do not play list is drafted for the DJ. I don't care who thinks it is a good idea, the "chicken dance" will not be played at my wedding. Neither will the Macarena. I've already told the DJ, his job is to stand there, play music and look mildly attractive. Not so attractive that it pulls attention away from me but not so unattractive that people wonder why he was beaten with an ugly stick.

6. That I get all of the RSVP cards back. Seriously, how hard is it to check yes or no and then stick it in the mail. I already addressed and put postage on the damn things. The guests get the easy part of the job.

7. I still need to plan the pseudo honey moon....

8. That I get birth control packs before the wedding.

9. That the decorations get to the bakery this week without me nagging Brian about it.

10. That Brian learns he can be in charge of things other than "the love making".

11. That the flower girls baskets are made.

12. That I don't beat my mother in the head with her cell phone.

13. That Brian doesn't beat my mother in the head with her cell phone.

14... that i take a nap...

ugh. I just want it all to be over.

May 16 aka 31 days

Last night I watched my almost husband sleep on the floor in green pasley boxers that I bought for him at Christmas as I half read Anne Lamott and I half listened to a thunderstorm roll into the Levittown skies.

I call Brian my "almost husband" because any other term available to describe his roll in my life seems horribly inaccurate. "Fiance" reminds me too much of Seinfeld and "maybe the dingo ate your baby" and I really don't want to be thinking about Julia Louis Dreyfuss when I think about my mate. The term "boyfriend" seems to downplay Brian's roll in my life as if he was a leftover relic from my college days with no actual commitment on the horizon. Which he is not. Thank you very much. I cannot yet call Brian my husband because the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and my mother object on the grounds that our legally binding promise has yet to be signed. They apparently do not agree with my belief that engagement is just as binding as marriage.

Almost Husband it is.

Another accurate way to describe Brian is to refer to him as my better half. I do not say that to degrade or berate myself but as our premarital counselor so nicely put it, I have "tendencies" towards "agressive, dominant" behavior and intolerance, and Brian, well, he does not.

She also tried to tell us that the personality test which supplied the information was only a snapshot in time but I would be lying to myself if I did not admit that the statement is accurate on a daily basis.

Clearly, my almost husband is better than your almost husband. Mainly because he puts up with me.

Brian continues to amaze me each day. He has a wonderful ability to see through my, ahem, shit in a way that no one else can. And I have a lot of shit that needs to be seen through. I don't like to think of myself as someone who fronts, but I do know that I tend to only show one aspect of myself at a time to people in the outside world. All of it is accurate, but I'm still not showing everything. Okay, so maybe I front. My front is so good that even I forget that I'm fronting. At times, my front is like a creeping ivy that has overtaken a house and only a certain almost husband seems to be able to see through that ivy to the potential that lies beneath it.

Brian keeps me nice. I don't mean that in a way that implies that he pays for everything (although he does pay for quite a bit more than I do). Brian is my personal editor through life. He edits my post it note directions for our family with "please" and "thank you" and "have a nice day" and ":)". He stops me from leaving post it notes that say "take out the g-ddamn trash" for the wonderful family members who live with us. He let me buy a big soft comfortable mattress even though he would rather sleep on a plank. Why? Because it made me happy. He humors me. He willingly goes to my alma mater to visit my college friends even though he thinks the college I went to was weird and the people I knew were even weirder. He looks for ways to make my life better.

I tend to freak out on him because the dinner table isn't set, I have at least three more load of laundry to do, and he's been home for three hours longer than I have and all I wanted to do was paint my nails.

Thank god he lets me.

Bridal Bliss

I am a crappy bride.

And I'm not presenting that in a "I moonlight as bridezilla causing terror in the hearts of bridesmaids everywhere" sort of way.

I'm that bride that cares tremendously about the way this day looks and at the same time, I don't give a rat's ass.

I am a crappy bride.

When Brian and I first started to plan our wedding, I really tried, with all of my heart, to engage in a less is more strategy. A wedding is only one day. It does not make a marriage. A marriage will not be better or worse based on the number of guests who attend, how plentiful the flowers were, or whether or not the bridesmaids are perfectly matched. None of those things reflect a level of committment to making a marriage work. They instead reflect a committment to material things.

From the beginning, I wanted this to be simple. I did not have much of a desire for flowers. I wanted this to be a "clean line" wedding. I wanted classic and timeless and less fuss. I wanted more people and minimal fluff. I wanted great pictures of the people I love, not great pictures of flowers and reception sites.

Our wedding is going to take place in our little warehouse church called The Well. (Check out our website at www.thewellpa.com) It is fitting there. Brian and I met because of The Well. It is a place where we belong and where we are supported.

But then...

There is the nightmare that is the reception.

My mother has decided that the reception shall take place at the Middletown Country Club, where she and my father had their reception sixteen years ago. Very over the top, a lavish display of money, and nothing that resembles the clean, classic wedding that Brian and I desire.

I know I should be happy that my parents want to provide this wedding for me, but at the same time, it is not the wedding I want. It is not the wedding that Brian wants. It is the wedding that my mother wishes she had years ago. I feel so ungrateful for all of it.

And I don't want to feel that way.

I know it will be an enjoyable day for our guests. I know everyone will have a good time and I will have a good time. I know I will be amazed when I see Brian's face waiting for me. I know I'll probably cry like a baby at some point.

I'm still kinda sad that it won't be the wedding that I want.

And I worry that someday I'll plan the wedding that I dreamed of for my children instead of the wedding that they want.

I have this idea in my head that I should be happy as a bride, but instead, I feel like I just need to survive my wedding.

It's the Boob Tube for a reason

I was never much of a TV watcher as a kid. I was born in '82 but my mother did not purchase a color TV until around 1988. We didn't have a VCR until 1990. The only time I encountered cable TV was at my grandparents' house and while I would find that entertaining for a little while, I had a tendency to quickly bore and move onto other things. Starring into a box for extended periods of time had little interest for me. I didn't realize that the Brady Bunch was reruns until the third grade. It never clicked in my head that there were such a thing as reruns.

I was browsing yahoo news yesterday afternoon when I stumbled across this article. The article is italics, my commentary is not.

About 90 percent of U.S. children under age 2 and as many as 40 percent of infants under three months are regular watchers of television, DVDs and videos, researchers said on Monday. How is regular watcher of television defined? Does that include time trying to obtain the attention of their parents who happen to be watching television? Or does it mean that the children are purposely placed in front of the television? And what about the kids who are not watching TV?

They said the number of young kids watching TV is much greater than expected.
"We don't know from the study whether it is good or bad. What we know is that it is big," said Frederick Zimmerman of the University of Washington, whose research appears in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine. How do they not know if this is good or bad? Of course it is bad!! How can children develop an imagination if everything is provided for them? How do they learn survival skills or common sense? How do they learn how to interact with their peers in a healthy way? And what happens to the kids that aren't watching the same volume of TV?

A second study suggested excessive TV viewing can lead to attention and learning problems down the road. As someone who struggled for years with attention and learning problems despite not watching TV, I can't imagine doing something that would add to the struggle. If everything on TV wraps up in a nice, neat 30 minute package, won't these children be surprised when real life does not work out that way?

The American Academy of Pediatrics estimates that children in the United States watch about four hours of television every day. They recommend that children under age 2 should not watch any and older children should watch no more than 2 hours a day of quality programming. But 29 percent of parents surveyed by Zimmerman and colleagues believe baby-oriented TV and DVD programs offer educational benefits. I don't even watch four hours of TV a day!! I max out on about an hour of TV a day!! And nine times out of ten, I recorded it the night before so I could fast forward through the commercials when I watch it. I can't even imagine being able to watch two hours of television! Why are these kids watching four hours? And I seriously doubt as to the quality of the programing. I'm also perplexed on the educational benefits. Babies and small children learn from touch, from exploring, from interacting. They learn from experiences. Last time I checked, TV was not an experience.

"Parents are getting the message loud and clear from marketers of TV and videos that this is good for their kids. That it will help their brain development ... None of this stuff has ever been proven," Zimmerman said in a telephone interview. Well, clearly, these parents are not the swiftest horses in the race. Otherwise they may have waited until they were able to pay attention to their offspring before reproducing.

For their study, Zimmerman's team conducted random telephone surveys of more than 1,000 families with young children in Minnesota and Washington.

They found 90 percent of children under age 2 and 40 percent of infants under three months watched TV regularly. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that statement.

At 3 months, children watched less than an hour per day, but by 24 months, they watched more than 1.5 hours per day. How is a child under three months of age watching TV? They can barely see a few feet in front of their faces! And what aren't the children at 24 months doing that they should be? Perhaps exercising? Napping? Playing? Something!

About half of the shows watched were in the educational category, with the remainder split evenly among noneducational children's content, baby DVDs/videos and adult TV. Adult TV? Is that like the Soprano's? Or is that more like the complete Girls Gone Wild DVD collection?

TV IN THE BEDROOM

In a separate survey of 1,051 parents published in the journal Pediatrics, 75 percent of children aged 0 to 6 were found to watch TV every day, often in their own bedrooms.
"We don't know that it is bad but we don't know that it is harmless," Zimmerman said. The first time I ever had a TV in my bedroom was in February. And after we got the television, we didn't have sex for a week. If a TV could have a negative impact on adults, wouldn't it also follow that the same TV would also have a negative impact on small, impressionable minds?

A second study in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine found that teens who watch three to four hours of television a day are more likely to have attention or learning problems and are less likely to get a college degree. Having gone to both an elite private liberal arts college and a local community college, I will whole heartedly agree with that statement.

"Even watching more than an hour of TV per day had some adverse consequences, but three hours was much worse than one hour, and two was worse than one," Jeffrey Johnson of Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons and the New York State Psychiatric Institute said in a telephone interview.

Johnson and colleagues studied 678 families in New York state over more than 20 years.
"Kids who watched less than one hour of TV per day were twice as likely to go to college as those who watched three or more hours per day," he said. Can anyone say that they are truly surprised by this statement?

Just 12 percent of the parents whose children watched less than an hour of television a day said their child "hardly ever does homework," compared to 21 percent of those who watched one to three hours a day and 27 percent of those who watched more than three hours a day. I always did homework. I wasn't allowed anywhere near a television until I did all of my homework. TV was a treat, not a priviledge.

Parents said 22 percent of teens who watched less than an hour a day were often bored at school, compared to 35 percent of the moderate watchers and 42 percent of those who watched three hours or more. I think they could have left this part out. I think most teens would say school is boring.

The result was the same regardless of socioeconomic status. I think most of us would like to think that if we make more money, our children will be better off and that our children will not face the same challenges in life as the "poor kids". Just a reminder that at the end of the day, none of it matters if your kid watches too much of the boob tube.

Johnson said he believes TV may be shortening teens' attention spans. "Over time, it could really dumb down society," he said. While I think it is wonderful this guy did this study, statements like that completely take away from all of his work. Of course it is going to dumb down society! It already has! If you need further proof, look at Paris Hilton and all of the attention is getting from what I used to consider legitimate news sources!

I want this job....

I don't know where I would find a job opportunity like this but sign me up!

SAO PAULO, Brazil - A Brazilian court has ordered local brewer Ambev to pay 100,000 reals (US$49,400; euro36,400) to an alcoholic beer taster who drank about a liter and a half (3.2 pints) of beer each day.

The unidentified employee alleged that the company did not provide the health measures needed to keep him from developing alcoholism, a labor court in the Rio Grande do Sul state said in a statement Friday.

The employee said in his lawsuit that for more than a decade, he drank between 16 and 25 small glasses of beer during his eight-hour shifts at the company. The employee said he also received a bottle of beer after each shift.

An initial ruling had favored Ambev, or Companhia de Bebidas das Americas, which can still appeal the decision. The company alleged the employee already was an alcoholic before becoming a beer taster.

Judge Jose Felipe Ledur said the company still was negligent because an alcoholic should never have been made a beer taster. Ledur also said the employee's alcohol dependency had worsened in recent years and that even on vacation, the employee felt like drinking the same amount of beer he drank at work.

I think my favorite part about this is that all he wanted was 50k. I'm sure in the US, the company would have been forced to pay millions of dollars which would go to some sort of luxary rehab, similar to the one Britany Spears went to, where the alcoholic employee wouldn't recover but would at least have the making for a fabulous lifetime movie.

I also can't imagine that in the course of ten years, none of this man's friends or family pointed out he was becoming an alcoholic.

Finally, wouldn't this job be much like a wine tasting where you aren't supposed to actually drink any of the wines but swish and spit?

The Flying Rodent Hotel

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One of the nice things about getting married is the combined economic power. My income alone isn't all that impressive. Brian income is not either. I work as a clerical assistant for a small pharmaceutical contract manufacturer. Brian is a carpenter and while is good at what he does, it is early in his career still. We aren't struggling, but we are a long way off from the trust fund kids.

I feel better about my income when I combine it with Brian's in my head. By myself, I could not afford rent on an apartment (we live in the Philadelphia suburbs) but together, we can afford the mortgage on a fixer upper. Together, we have buying power. Together, the dream of owning a home is a bit closer to today. Hooray for combined economic power!

Part of realizing that home ownership is in the near future is realizing that you don't know jack about owning a home. I'm twenty four years old. What do I know about home repair? About find a real estate agent? About looking at property values in a good school district so that the kids we don't even have yet can have a good education? I don't know squat. The extent of my home ownership knowledge is either "ooh that looks pretty, I want it" or "ew, who in the hell would want to do that to the place where they live".

In my efforts to become a better educated potential home buyer, I spend quite a bit of time researching as much as I can. I read about annual home repair costs, property values in different townships of the county, and how large of an impact one percentage point will have on the mortgage. I read about the do's, the don't's, and the you-will-never-believe's.

Today, this lovely gem crossed my screen. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070503/ap_on_fe_st/bat_droppings_home;_ylt=AmFQEI2NOo.S0CWW12HLFcbtiBIF

There are many places I can begin on this disaster.

1. "An upstate New York couple didn't think a few bats in the attic were much of a problem when they were buying a house last summer. "

A few bats are not a problem? Since when? I have several questions about this one. Where are the bats getting in from? What are the bats eating? Where are the bats relieving themselves? What diseases are they harboring? What other animals could be getting in as a result? Is this impacting my heating bill? And is water getting in when it rains? The list could go on and on.

2. "Nick LaBoda and Jenna Caputo say a home inspector informed them about the bats. They called an exterminator, who told them to wait a while before removing the bats because the babies were too young to fly."

Ok so the home inspector informed you about the bats. I interpret that to mean that the home inspector found this to be something worth noting. Something that should probably be dealt with prior to moving in. Essentially, the couple possessed this knowledge prior to an exchange of property, namely their money for the prior home owner's home.

At least they followed up with an exterminator. But why would an exterminator tell them to wait? Surely a reputable exterminator would recommend an initial course of action with follow up in the months to follow. And what is this about the babies being too young to fly? Isn't that a good thing? These creatures are flying rodents inside one's house. Wouldn't it be easier to round them up when they are flying in the air? Personally, I wouldn't want to wait until an age when the babies could fly. Get rid of them now!

3. "Then they forgot about the bats until they smelled a foul odor in January. When they checked the attic, they found dead bats and piles of guano."

So let's give the couple the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were guilable and believed their shady exterminator. Maybe the exterminator came on the tale end of summer. Maybe they decided to wait a bit as recommended. But then they forgot? I know their lives were probably very busy but I can't imagine forgetting that there were FLYING RODENTS living in my house. I need to make a note that I do respect the fact that they did not need to use the additional storage that their house provided but at the same time, they were the proud owners of a FLYING RODENT HOTEL!

At least their first instinct was to check the attic....

4. "An exterminator says hundreds of bats had been living in the attic, leaving behind 3,500 pounds of droppings."

Was this the same exterminator as the first visit? Because if it was, why did he not do a follow up call in September or October? Why did he wait until after the house started to smell? Who does that? And furthermore, how do you not notice that your house contains over a ton and a half of FLYING RODENT SHIT?? Surely, it should have been smelled long before then. I can't imagine bat droppings smell like cinnamon rolls and coffee....

5. "It cost $25,000 to clean up the mess, and the couple's insurance company wouldn't cover it."

Good. I'm glad it cost them 25k to correct the problem. That will teach them to not be so stupid next time. And I'm even happier that the insurance company did not cover it. They knew when they bought the house that they also bought the FLYING RODENT HOTEL. Unless they purchased a second policy to cover their little bat hotel, why should the insurance company pay for it? That just makes premiums go up for the rest of us who aren't stupid or at least know that we need to maintain our very expensive purchases. And that takes money away from people who really do need it. For example, people whose homes have been devastated by floods, earthquakes or other natural disasters. Your own stupidity or forgetfulness does not qualify as a natural disaster.

6. "They're fighting it out in court."

I hope they lose.

Fresh Start

I am getting married in 42 days. Forty two incredibly long yet quickly moving days. I am getting married. Soon I leave the life of the single gal and I will enter life from the other side of the ring. I'm not scared. I know what I'm doing.

There is something about the idea of such a commitment that makes me want to overhaul everything. Rooms have been changing. Clothing styles are becoming slightly more mature. I don't go out too much on the weekends now. My life is focused on preparing for a commitment that begins forty two days from today.

I'm overhauling the blog too.

There comes a time in every girl's life when it is time to say goodbye. I've been over at diaryland since 2002. I think it might be in best interest to move on. It was great for my single days, my college days, my life on my own but now I'm going to try to leave the past just where it is.

Welcome to my head. I hope you enjoy your stay.