Why a change is not forever

Sophomore year in college I decided it would be a brillant idea to die the front two inches of my hair burgandy and then leave the rest of my hair bleached blond. Kinda like the chick from Republica in the late nineties. I was tired of looking like the girl next door. I wanted to look like the edgy girl net door.

My hair color didn't work out quite as planned. Since I am a natural blonde, the bleached portion didn't look like normal bleached hair when growing out and the burgandy kept fading to this really odd shade of pink and from there it moved onto this gross orange color. Ultimately, I had to pay to have all of the color stripped out of my hair and then paid to hair the colorist attempt to recreate my natural color.

I haven't used hair dye since. I'm paranoid that if I do, it won't turn out well and I won't want to show my face in the office afterwards.

I made an appointment with my stylist for two weeks from now (she happens to be the very brave colorist that tried to save my hair six years ago - I don't trust anyone else). I thought I was being adventurous by scheduling for a cut and color with the plan being for highlights. I felt very proud of myself for this bold step forward until I told Brian.

Apparently, if I'm going to spend money on stylist, I need to start make hair choices that scare me a little. And when I started to complain about what if I don't like it, how will I go to work if it is bad, etc, Brian tells me that it is just hair. It will grow back regardless of how good or bad it is.

He also wants to know what color we should dye his hair.

He makes a great point - most of the changes we make in our lives are temporary at best. We can ultimately decide to maintain those changes or let them fall to the wayside. Sometimes undo-ing the change is painful (from what I hear, tattoo removal is worse than the tattoo itself) but there are very few changes that we are stuck with forever.

Sometimes I find that I'm afraid to make changes in my career. I am afraid that the comfortable situation that I could leave is the best situation I could get. But even a job change isn't permanent - it is a stepping stone to the next stage of life.

A change is only as permanent as you want it to be. This week I'm a blonde but two weeks from now, I think I am going to be a redhead. I'm a little nervous but now I'm also excited that I decided to do it.

What changes in your life have made you nervous? Did you do it anyway?

Why I am Rising Up

You may be noticing a few changes around the blog today. I added some links for blogs and websites I frequent. I got rid of the polls. I got rid of the reading list (I always forgot to update it when I finished a book anyway). There should be some other links added within the next few days but I was running out of time to do it properly today.

The other big change: this is no longer “Inside the Nest”. We are now “Rising Up”.

At the time I first set up the blog, Brian and I had an interesting sleeping arrangement. We were sleeping on a full size futon mattress on the floor which was crammed into the space that was barely big enough to house a twin mattress. Brian also had about 12 pillows and 5 blankets crammed into this space. It was cozy. And rather nest like.

We slept there for about eight months before I freaked out, slept on the couch for a week and finally went out and bought a mattress, box spring and frame. The first night in the new bed was glorious. It was the best night sleep I have ever had. The sleep I had that night was proof that God loves me and he wants me to be happy. Brian was miserable and I think he slept on the floor that night.

The nest, as I came to call it, was a great place to start a relationship. And great incentive to not get pregnant as there would have been would have been no room for even a slight baby bump. We spooned every night from the time we got into bed until the time we got up. We didn’t spoon because it was the most comfortable position; we spooned because we had no other choice. There was not enough space for both of us to lie flat on our backs at the same time. There was no way to go to bed angry. It was a good place for us to start.

Inside of the nest was safe and secure. But eventually we had to move on. We had to rise up from where we were and move on to new things. Like a real mattress. And eventually, we will have to rise again.

I love the idea of a phoenix. The idea of bursting into flames and rising up again as a newborn from the ash. I have used the name “brstngphnx” for years online (think about it, its only missing the vowels). I want to rise up in my life. I want to rise up from my mistakes and challenges and hardships. I want rebirth from my past. I want to be the phoenix.

I have always been captured by a line from Ani DiFranco’s 32 Flavors:

God help you if you are an ugly girl
Of course too pretty is also your doom
Because everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room
And God help you if you are a phoenix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying past

What ever happened to anonymous?

While pursuing Facebook this morning, I couldn’t help but noticed that a group had been formed for Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, that’s right, Alcoholics Anonymous can now be part of your Facebook experience. Even more interesting, Narcotics Anonymous also has their own group. While you are busy social networking, you can also announce your ties to the twelve steps.

I always thought the anonymous factor of AA and NA was part of the effectiveness. I’m under the impression that no last names are used in their meetings. I’ve never been to a meeting before so I don’t have a very good understanding of what happens during their time together beyond the twelve steps. In fact, if you look at their website, you will find that they do not keep case histories or attendance records. That sounds anonymous to me.

But anonymous is part of the organization’s name. Anonymous. Unnamed. Unidentified. Unknown. Nameless. The group isn’t called “Announcing Alcoholics”. We don’t ask people who are changing their lives and moving away from drug and alcohol abuse to wear some sort of scarlet letter. They’ve been through enough already. Their families have been through enough already.

What is the benefit to announcing this on the internet?

I have no problem with personal testimony from addicts. I think it is truly wonderful and important when they share their experiences with each other and with the people in their lives who have not faced addiction. But I’m just not sure what the benefit is to the Facebook Group. If I could understand the benefit, it might be different.

Maybe part of the problems is that I feel it makes light of a very serious problem.

THE TWELVE STEPSOF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


By the way, if you or someone you know needs help, check out the AA website at www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

A Year Ago Yesterday

A year ago yesterday, my mother-in-law passed away. I didn't know at the time that someday I would refer to her as my mother-in-law but I had a very strong feeling at the time that something wonderful was about to happen between her son and I. I believe that in many ways, Beth's passing was a catalyst, bringing Brian and I together and setting many wheels in motion.

So much has changed since she left this Earth. We are all a year older. We all look different. Most of us have new haircuts. Brian and I were married. Kelly and Jason (Brian's middle sister and his best friend) were married. Beth's grandchildren were homeschooled. I found a new job. Kelly moved out. I moved in. Kelly was promoted at work. Don met new people. I went camping for the first time. There was good and there was bad.

Yesterday was still a Morgan Day of Mourning. It marked the beginning and the end of many things. I remembered Beth by trying to do something nice for other people. I baked desserts for the PBU back to school bbq my church had. I did not attend as I don't think I could have maintained the niceness. I also read the section on mourning in Muddhouse Sabbath. I thought about the ways we mourn as Christians fail the families of the loved ones who passed. I remembered a promise I once made to Beth and took some first steps to maintain it. I held my husband and I told him how loved he is. I made dinner for my family and enjoyed spending time with them.

I'm still sad my babies will never know their Grandmother and that the stories that will be told will be largely inadequate.