The Secret Guests at Weddings

Brian and I wrapped up the last wedding either one of us will be in, or at least for a few years, on Sunday. Our friends Carm and Chris celebrated their new life together with 8 bridesmaids and groomsmen, 175 guests and fourteen thousand dollars that are now re-circulating in the local economy. It was a fabulous but exhausting day. Brian and I got home last night and starred blankly at the television as we rehashed the day.

We are both people watchers. Brian is a people watcher because he’s the youngest child and the only boy in his family – it was just easier for him to shut up and watch. I’m a people watcher because I’m an only child – I’m fascinated by watching sibling relationships unfold in front of me. One of my favorite things about a wedding is we can get a fix on our voyeuristic tendencies in a socially acceptable forum.

The great thing about a big wedding is there are so many opportunities to see true personality types – especially in the wedding. The following are a few of my favorites.

Matron of Honor-zilla: Bridezilla is such a popular icon in pop culture but I don’t really think it happens as frequently as it is rumored. I think it’s the Matron of Honor-zilla that bridesmaids everywhere quake at the mere thought of. This is the woman whose own wedding didn’t go quite so well – the pushy best friend of the bride. She wants everyone to know her very important role in the wedding. And she wants you to know that she is the only one who can do things for the bride. Tip: if you are a bridesmaid and you notice the Matronzilla has started to stress the bride out, cause minor disasters that only the Matron can fix. If that means ripping your dress and letting Matronzilla safety pin it to your skin, so be it. It’ll be less stress for everyone else.

The Fem Groomsman: There is always one – the not gay but not masculine friend of the Bride who just had to be in the wedding. He would probably wear a dress and get his hair done if you let him. He’s great because he dances with all the single girls. Just remember to keep laughing when he starts dancing with all the husbands.

Super Bridesmaid to the Rescue: Need her to get the wedding site at the same time as the coordinator? She’s there. Need her to help the mother of the bride get dressed? Right on top of that Rose. Need her to distract the Matronzilla? Appropriate disaster on the way! Her husband is her minion for whatever needs she can’t handle herself.

The Interrupter: She wasn’t asked to be part of the wedding. She really shouldn’t be hunting down the bride before the wedding. But she is anyway. The interrupter doesn’t know why she isn’t in the wedding, but she’s still determined to be in every photo. Tip: Get the Fem Groomsman to earn his keep by doubling as a human shield.

The Anti-Bride’s Maid: This girl does not do weddings. She won’t wear a dress, she hates make up and she has no idea why she is there. And no one else can tell her either!

Congratulations Carm & Chris! We wish you nothing but the best. Brian and I are so happy for the love you share and the joy you add to our lives!

What does that ring really mean?

On Monday through Friday, my husband wakes up and takes off his wedding band. It is as much apart of our routine as making dinner or visiting my grandparents. A new work day means that for the next eight to nine hours my husband takes off the visible symbol that he is mine and I am his.

For the vast majority of my husband’s time outside of the house, in a strange way, I do not exist. Women do not notice his wedding band because he does not wear it. And in an outsider’s perception, I only exist once I am mentioned.

Of course when he returns from work, his wedding band goes right back on his finger. Or at least right after he takes a shower. I do not doubt my husband’s dedication to our promise when the ring is on or off of his finger.

I find myself asking the question though – if a wedding band was not on my finger, would a stranger realize that I am married? If I did not wear my ring at work, would I feel less married? Does the ring make the marriage?

If the ring does not make the marriage, then my husband spent quite a bit of money on an engagement ring and wedding band that he did not need to.

In a strange way, a ring is almost like a human shield – the ring should be saying “your advances are not wanted”. But why do we need a little piece of metal to say that to others? Why are we not capable of saying it ourselves? Or maybe the ring is saying it to us, as in “their advances are not wanted”.

Our First Wedding Picture!!

I am very very excited. Chris Tress, our photographer/boyfriend of a bridesmaid, did an amazing job with pictures... and I've only seen two of them so far!! He captured the way I think Brian and I look inside, which is amazing.

Isn't my husband amazing? I am blessed

Wedding Plans, aka 26 days

In case you were curious, planning a wedding is the most stressful thing a person can do in this life. Buying a home, graduating from college, finding a job... these events are all a walk in the park compared to the nightmare that is a wedding. There is nothing peaceful or blissful about this day to the people who plan it. It is all just the illusion of happiness. It is seeing the visible relief on the planners' faces that they will not have to do it ever again.

In the next 26 days, I need to ensure:

1. that my dress gets altered. Really all it needs is a bustle but the thought of going and getting it done is overwhelming. Especially when one realizes that the bra that sucks in the fat I never knew I had needs to go back on. That thing hurts.

2. Flowers get ordered. We picked them out but we never ordered them. I need to make sure that the check for damn near a thousand dollars gets to them.

3. that someone, I don't care who, but that someone throws me a bachelorette party. I want strippers, booze, and penis attire for me to wear. I want to act like a complete jackass. I need to blow off some steam and I need the bar tab to be at someone else's expense.

4. That groomsmen pick up their tuxes in a timely matter.

5. That a do not play list is drafted for the DJ. I don't care who thinks it is a good idea, the "chicken dance" will not be played at my wedding. Neither will the Macarena. I've already told the DJ, his job is to stand there, play music and look mildly attractive. Not so attractive that it pulls attention away from me but not so unattractive that people wonder why he was beaten with an ugly stick.

6. That I get all of the RSVP cards back. Seriously, how hard is it to check yes or no and then stick it in the mail. I already addressed and put postage on the damn things. The guests get the easy part of the job.

7. I still need to plan the pseudo honey moon....

8. That I get birth control packs before the wedding.

9. That the decorations get to the bakery this week without me nagging Brian about it.

10. That Brian learns he can be in charge of things other than "the love making".

11. That the flower girls baskets are made.

12. That I don't beat my mother in the head with her cell phone.

13. That Brian doesn't beat my mother in the head with her cell phone.

14... that i take a nap...

ugh. I just want it all to be over.

Bridal Bliss

I am a crappy bride.

And I'm not presenting that in a "I moonlight as bridezilla causing terror in the hearts of bridesmaids everywhere" sort of way.

I'm that bride that cares tremendously about the way this day looks and at the same time, I don't give a rat's ass.

I am a crappy bride.

When Brian and I first started to plan our wedding, I really tried, with all of my heart, to engage in a less is more strategy. A wedding is only one day. It does not make a marriage. A marriage will not be better or worse based on the number of guests who attend, how plentiful the flowers were, or whether or not the bridesmaids are perfectly matched. None of those things reflect a level of committment to making a marriage work. They instead reflect a committment to material things.

From the beginning, I wanted this to be simple. I did not have much of a desire for flowers. I wanted this to be a "clean line" wedding. I wanted classic and timeless and less fuss. I wanted more people and minimal fluff. I wanted great pictures of the people I love, not great pictures of flowers and reception sites.

Our wedding is going to take place in our little warehouse church called The Well. (Check out our website at www.thewellpa.com) It is fitting there. Brian and I met because of The Well. It is a place where we belong and where we are supported.

But then...

There is the nightmare that is the reception.

My mother has decided that the reception shall take place at the Middletown Country Club, where she and my father had their reception sixteen years ago. Very over the top, a lavish display of money, and nothing that resembles the clean, classic wedding that Brian and I desire.

I know I should be happy that my parents want to provide this wedding for me, but at the same time, it is not the wedding I want. It is not the wedding that Brian wants. It is the wedding that my mother wishes she had years ago. I feel so ungrateful for all of it.

And I don't want to feel that way.

I know it will be an enjoyable day for our guests. I know everyone will have a good time and I will have a good time. I know I will be amazed when I see Brian's face waiting for me. I know I'll probably cry like a baby at some point.

I'm still kinda sad that it won't be the wedding that I want.

And I worry that someday I'll plan the wedding that I dreamed of for my children instead of the wedding that they want.

I have this idea in my head that I should be happy as a bride, but instead, I feel like I just need to survive my wedding.